Thursday, February 16, 2006

I can never tell if it's K-Paul or Dom DeLouise...

An online forward from a funny friend. I’m sure it’s circulating at a rabid pace, but I found it funny (and true) anyway. Enjoy:

For a little more than a week, I’ve been enjoying the Hawaiian island of Lanai. It’s one of the few populated islands I’ve yet to really explore, so it was really exciting to head somewhere I was totally unfamiliar with. An adventure indeed, but with a very relaxed vibe.

Active Runway they said? HA! I would have gotten a pic of the other half of the plane, but by that time security had already zip-tied my hands... Damn TSA.

I flew out from Houston (IAH for those junkies), which put me into Honolulu (HNL) about 8.5 hours later. Had a slight headwind, so that slowed things down, but Continental did a comfortable job of getting us across the Pacific. They’re using new 767-400's for this route and you can really see how a nicely-equipped, shiny new aircraft can affect your overall flight. Seating wasn’t totally full. I had an open spot next to me. Since it was a daytime (‘chasing the sun’ as it were) flight, I ended up catching some of their in-flight movies, along with doing a little writing on the side. Sadly, I was traveling alone, so there was no real hope in sneaking some naughty time in the lavatory, but by the looks of the cabin, there might have been at least a few takers if the opportunity presented itself. *evil grin*

I wonder if my letter to Continental’s CEO about putting Gun Oil in the bathrooms will cause future changes?

So, got onto the big island, headed for the hopper plane and 45 minutes later was tooling around the very curvy roads from Lanai City (LNY), on my way to Manele Bay.

On arrival at the resort, I was greeted with a cold towel and authentic lei. Check-in was simple, the room faced the ocean and the constant breeze from the Pacific made using the A/C almost sacrilegious. George Gershwin might have coined the perfect term in this situation: Who could ask for anything more? I slept like the dead that night.

The following day had me on the resort’s golf course (The Challenge at Manele Bay), where I spent most of my time drooling over the impeccable layout, admiring the dramatic cliff views and assenting the fact that my golf game sucks more than, well.... me. HA! *rimshot*

While I was there, I kept hitting the gym and even kicked my own ass in a spinning class on the last day. Lifting was decidedly a routine part of this Hawaii trip, as everyday had me brandishing my best swimwear, which some might at times confuse with a slingshot or some sort of new-age yarmulke. I prefer brief-style rather than box-cut, but I’m pretty much an equal opportunity swimgear guy, so it’s all good to me. The combination of working out, jumping into some speedos and SPF 40 seemed to suit me just fine and soon became the daily to-do for the remainder of the trip.

Since there’s little to actually do on Lanai, it was a welcome (but drastic) change from my normal routine of always going, going, going. The only veer from the described above day came in a whale-watching trip, which due to crazy strong winds was cut short. It was, however, still very enjoyable, as we got to see a half-dozen or so whales surfacing from a pretty short distance. Seeing these mammals is a seasonal occasion, as they only head down into the Hawaiian islands from December through March, then make their trip back to Alaska. Overall, getting to see these massive creatures was incredible and quite peaceful actually.

Although, the peaceful feeling could have been my Ambien kicking in. Who knows ;)

Whale: Tastes just like chicken...

I did find it interesting to be accosted by one of the many gay couples staying at the resort. I politely declined, but did find it incredibly funny how they seemingly jumped out of a near-by shrub to ‘move in for the kill.’ It was almost cartoonish. I was walking back from a workout and BAM, there they were in their little red speedos with shit-eating grins on their faces. While not at all interested in their advances, I did want to suggest they use a stronger SPF, as they both appeared a little crispy and on their way to becoming Donatella Versace clones.

I really think this picture of Donatella is pretty self-explanitory

The meals were fantastic! I can’t say enough about the island cuisine. It rivals ANY major dining establishment anywhere in the world and their attention to service is impeccable. A couple of places do require a jacket, but dressing up now and then is all a part of the overall fun. I was also happy to see that every restaurant did their level best to provide extremely healthy eating options for those who are concerned. Truth be told, I could have eaten fresh pineapple for every meal and been happy as a clam. I kept asking for pineapple with everything and soon started to feel like the bushy-eyebrowed guy on late-night infomercials who sells that damned juicer. It was mildly comical, but yes... I WAS A DOLE ADDICT. There, I admitted it. I feel cleansed.

Note: This is not me, but someone who's obviously more pineapple-obsessed than moi. I draw the line at getting turned on by produce.

I’m going to now call Lifetime Television and see if they want to do a true-life movie about this pineapple addiction. Surely they’ll cast Meredith Baxter or Judith Light to play me. I can almost see the movie title now: ‘Deadly Dole: The Twisted True Tale of a Pineapple Princess.’

... And don’t call me Shirley. *rimshot* Sorry, I couldn’t resist

On the way home I saw none other than media mogul Rupert Murdoch climbing into his $40 million BBJ (Boeing Business Jet) on the airstrip in Lanai City. Locals told me that he owns a very exclusive home on Manele Bay and visits the little island often. Interesting. Beautiful plane.

While I don’t currently have images from the trip, I should be getting some emailed pics in the coming week. I’ll be sure to post up on next week’s 15, as I took a few barefoot and shirtless ones with the Hawaiian sunset as my backdrop. The whole atmosphere was really beautiful and it’s a place I recommend if you’re looking to simply get away from the rest of the world. No cell phones, no Blackberry and no internet (if you choose). It’s one of the few times in your life where it’s encouraging to be a recluse. Go ahead... Embrace your inner-Howard Hughes.

Why was Mariah Carey over two hours late to the party she was supposed to throw post-Grammys? Seems the diva spent the entire time crying face-down on her hotel room bed over her loss of ‘Best Pop’ awards to former American Idol’er Kelly Clarkson. She finally made it to the mansion, pulling herself together to smile for the paparazzo and then departing early back to her luxe hotel suite. Hotel sources also say her rider requested 25 humidifiers to be placed strategically throughout the suite to care for ‘Ms. Carey’s delicate vocal chords.’ Insane!

Is it just me or is Eminem turning into a tranny? Exhibit A:

I’m completely bored with the ongoing brouhaha over Clay Aiken’s gay tryst with a former Army Ranger, who’s now apparently signed with Michael ‘too much pout’ Lucas to do gay porn. Lucas also accompanied the Ranger for an interview on the Howard Stern Show. It seems that both are desperately looking to extend their 15 Minutes...

Madonna Watch: After performing the opening number on the Grammy telecast, she packed it up and hightailed it out of there. The ‘Hung Up’ performance was nothing she hasn’t already done numerous times and reactions among the audience ranged from nervous smiling to out-and-out soundbites like ‘nothing up there that Kylie didn’t do 5 years ago.’ OUCH. Sadly, things only got worse for the Material Girl as she was admitted later that evening to Cedars-Sinai for hernia surgery. DOUBLE OUCH.

Jeeze. With Madge squeezing like this, it's no wonder she's herniated.

Blind Item as per Richard Johnson’s PAGE SIX:

Which movie heart-throb might not be completely straight? Although he has a girlfriend -- called by some 'The Professional Beard' -- he left New York’s Bungalow 8 the other night with a man and took his new pal back to the Mercer. After their quickie session, the hunk told his 'date' to 'get lost.'

Here’s a peek at current Olympic figure skater (and rumored to be gay) Johnny Weir’s
MySpace profile page. Some nice pics and a declaration of being ‘bi’ are all there. Based on this kid’s previous tv interviews (and the fact he calls himself ‘princessy’), methinks he’s on the bi-highway to gaysville...

'Do these jazz-hands make me look gay?'

As I mentioned last week, let’s start off this week’s EYE CANDY with a full-fledged salute to guy’s armpits. I’ve rounded up some pretty hot pics of guys and their pits (which I too find pretty sexy), thus beginning a weekly ‘theme’ for each EC section. If you’ve got any theme suggestions for upcoming editions,
shoot me an email and let me know. Thanks to quite a lot of you out there already for E’ing me and giving me a heads up. Enjoy!

Okay, so it's not an armpit shot, but the guy's beautiful so....


‘I’d rather have a cold schvitz than a warm Schlitz!’ — Charles, Runner-up in 2004's George Hamilton Tanning Classic.

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