Tuesday, December 19, 2006
It becomes a fascinating social study, in getting to travel so much, that when the airline delays start mounting, people’s true colors immediately show.
‘Flight 2066 to Amsterdam will be delayed due to a mechanical issue.’
With that simple sentence, I’ve watched what appeared to be a handicap elderly woman go from relative peace to war-ready with her crutch in sword-like position. She was just one Braveheart-esque speech away from kicking some gate attendant ass.
What is it that causes this Jekyll and Hyde transformation? In all of my years of frequent flying, I’ve found that you can usually get exactly what you need from your airline just as long as you’re willing to keep a smile on your face and speak gently. Here’s the equation for those of you with a mathematical incline:
‘More flies with honey than vinegar’ + Grinning like you’re awarding a gold medal at the Special Olympics = FIRST CLASS UPGRADE.
Just this past week, on my way to Crested Butte, I watched a guy in the San Antonio airport nearly throw himself on the ground and pound his fists over not being able to board a flight to Chicago. He was very late and expected the ground crew to just let him onto the flight, when already the jetway had been pulled away. He ended up walking to the gate desk, yelling at the top of his lungs (with some real Dynasty-laden panache) about missing some important business meeting and then threw his leather jacket on the ground to underline his anger.
Meanwhile, the lot of us waiting to board for Denver at the next gate were left speechless. I was amused beyond belief and immediately wanted to know if this man was available for private parties and bar mitzvahs. He was that good. Like a more bitter and constipated version of Andy Rooney.
Where does all of this lead me to? It’s always the least frequent of fliers that make the most fuss over things. I’ve learned that in over 250,000 in-seat miles this year on commercial airlines that the best thing you can do for yourself in times of great delay is to pick up an issue of Star Magazine and thank god you’re not featured in ‘Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous.’ I’d also recommend spending yourself into a hole at the nearest airport Brookstone, where you can now buy a device that closely resembles a mechanical bull and, if you happen to want to test-drive it, makes you look like a complete sexual cretin in front of your fellow travelers. Ah, public humiliation AND the future lure of bankruptcy all in one place...
A totally random thought: Have you ever been in a restroom, listening to the guy in the next stall taking a leak and wondered if the sound it made correlated to the size of his dick?
Stay with me here...
I was at a movie theater the other day (seeing ‘Stranger Than Fiction’ with Emma Thompson. It turned out to be an excellent film) and after it was over, I had to piss like a racehorse. The stand-ups were full, so I went into a stall. As I was peeing, I noticed the sound of guys pissing around me and came to a wild-eyed conclusion: What if penis size could be determined just by the sound of stream when a guy’s taking a leak? The louder the rush, the larger the cock.
That’s when I started laughing out loud. This theory was absurd. Since I was in the handicap stall, I don’t really think that anyone paid much attention to my unsuccessful attempts at curbing the laughter, but that only led to a more problematic situation of the jiggling from my laughing causing the stream of urine to soak not only the back wall, but my Diesel jeans as well.
Lovely, eh? Thank you OxyClean.
In browsing the web this week, I found an interesting link on a site I frequently read (FlyerTalk) that asked if gay people get preferential treatment by gay flight crews. You can read it here:
Another insane thing on the web... For fans of Dreamgirls (and the many gay men who lip-synch along with Jennifer Holiday):
This past week I spent most of my time in Milano, enjoying some really temperate weather and enough Italian food to kill a horse. While the journey over was a little bumpy, thanks to Continental Airlines’s business class seats being more uncomfortable than riding on a bicycle with no seat, the arrival was smooth and getting to the hotel didn’t take very long.
I caught the Red Hot Chili Peppers live show later that night at the Dutch Forum, cavorted around the city in search of good cashmere, drank an obscene amount of espresso, ate like I had a tapeworm, was saddened at the lack of style in this season’s Diesel clothing collection, was in awe standing in front of the Duomo, confirmed the rumor that everyone in Milan wears black and generally just soaked up the very-European atmosphere that is tough to find in North America.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that if I weren’t already Irish, I’d make a fantastic Italian. I can already say ‘The Atkins Diet is against God’ in Italian.
For those of you who are totally out of the gay adult industry loop, the Rentboy.com cruise officially happened last week and while I wasn’t able to join the guys for the shindig, I did have my eyes & ears around to sop up all the salacious details.
I can confirm...
There was an invited hottie who spent most of his time hovering around the more than 12 bars on the ship, remaining drunken, loud and tactless throughout the entire trip. Do you think that you have a little alcohol problem when your SINGULAR bar tab comes to $1,200 for a three-day binge... er, I mean vacation.
With no names being mentioned, one particular cabin ended up having to be dusted by housekeeping several times a day, thanks to a strange white powder build-up on any flat surface. Might I recommend the new Pledge 'Anti-coke' formula?
I’m still getting details about a fight that happened in a Jacuzzi between two escorts. While it didn’t come to a fistfight (as neither wanted to break a nail), this was a very public confrontation. I'm sure the family from Bumfuck, Minnesota loved watching that one. Like a seafaring Jerry Springer Show.
There were credit card numbers stolen whilst in Mexico and this particular rentboy didn't end up too happy with a whole mess of unauthorized charges to his Visa. I've been told that he acted quickly and the charges have since been dropped. There's much more to this particular item, as 15 Minutes has just found out some startling info regarding WHO possibly stole this card.... More to come.
They put ‘guest celebrity’ Bruce Vilanch in a closet-sized room with a singular porthole window. Ouch! You always know something is wrong when an escort (in this case, Steven Draker) has a bigger suite than the invited known name.
His hair alone needs a jr. suite...
My source also mentioned being VERY surprised to see the vast differences in appearance between what an escort/porn star looks like online vs what he looks like in real life. Not startling news for those who are in-the-know, but filler just the same.
I’m curious if Royal Caribbean offers a ‘How-To Photoshop’ class on their itineraries?
For the straight-poop on happenings aboard the ship, as well as exclusive photos, check out Brandon Baker's blog 'Adventures in Being.' Our congrats also go out to Angel Benton for finally adopting a Mexican child and hopefully teaching her not only how to do a fierce Brittany Spears impression, but also to be fluent in Chinese. You can find his blog HERE.
Speaking of photos, I’ve recently added some new snapshots to my archive of images. You can find the clickable link above on the left-side menu under ‘BN Pics.’ Additional pics are being added on a weekly basis. Check it out.
It looks as if the holiday season is in full swing and that, frankly, makes me ill. It’s not that I’m stonewalling Christmas, but have simply come to the conclusion that thanks to retail insanity and the fact that I’ve yet to see a mall Santa with a REAL beard, this holiday means about as much to me as Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming our next president.
A big ‘thumbs up’ to those who are taking the time to check out the new real-time chat board at the bottom of this edition. I’ve noticed some actual conversation (as well as some hot-homo cybersex) in there and welcome everyone reading to jump into the fray and speak out. From what people have said already, I've come to the conclusion that I give world-class head.
You learn something new everyday...
WHICH closeted TV news anchorman uses Craigslist.com to troll for gay sexy time partners? One of his conquests is complaining now because the anchor is using his photo to solicit other men. When he complained, the anchor threatened him with physically?
WHICH online gossip has friends worried? He's sent very nasty notes to random people out of the blue, and some say the teetotaler is back on the sauce.
I’ve got some good personal BN-quotes in a recent story with LA’s Frontiers Magazine regarding ‘ways to get laid’ in the the city of Angels. Interesting premise. Fun to comment on. Check it out:
PEOPLE MAGAZINE reports that George Michael's going back on the road here in the States. And by road, we mean he'll be driven in a tour bus because word is when he drives he's usually stoned and he's liable to kill someone or at least pass out in an intersection and block traffic. Which is inconvenient.
A source close to the 43-year-old singer tells PEOPLE that the pop star will embark on his first U.S. tour in 15 years this spring. In recent years, Michael has made more headlines with his run-ins with the law than with his music: In February he was arrested on suspicion of drug possession in London. However, he recently finished a 16-city greatest-hits European tour (dubbed "25 Live") that was sold out and, by all accounts, scandal-free. He's also polishing his image on Dec. 20 by performing a free London concert for nurses.
Did he play for nurses because he knows he's going to need one someday when he plows his car into a building whilst driving high?
I think Nicole Richie should be his opening act. They have a lot in common. Except for the picking up men in the bushes thing. That's all George. Nicole finds hers in Hilary Duff's cast-off pile.
When the gossip is getting this bitchy, I know it's time to wrap up another edition of The 15, but not before ending with this week's EYE CANDY. This week's mix isn't much in terms of diversity, but i am working on getting some more in the queue. Slowly, but surely, they're coming. My extreme pleasure in Asian, Black and Latin guys just can't be suppressed!
NEXT WEEK: Look for part one in an ongoing series, told in first-person, about the day-to-day life of a male escort. With more than 3.5 years of experience, there's sure to be a few good stories in there somewhere... It'll be a fun (and frisky) look into what makes a rentboy stay in such an oft-uneven industry.