Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Selfpic, 10/2007

As if Lindsay Lohan’s coke-riddled ONE day in jail wasn’t enough for the media, now we’ve got an OJ armed robbery, Britney’s VMA performance, Anna Nicole’s gay-ol' scandal and a whole slew of religious zealots calling for the blood of Emmy-winning comedian Kathy Griffin.

Let’s get right to Griffin: For those who haven’t heard the 24-hour Larry King coverage of this event, it seems that Griffin made some ‘Jesus-based’ comments at the Emmys during her acceptance speech, which were ultimately edited out for airing. Scandal ensued (as it always does) and now she’s on every major talk show defending herself and brandishing her new Emmy Susan Lucci-style.

The results of King's most recent facelift...

Last week on Larry King, she stood her ground, faced the softball questions that King lobbed at her and generally proved why she’s funnier, wittier and more interesting than Margaret Cho (who, btw, has now debuted a self-created off-off Broadway show called 'Sensuous Woman'). She took calls from a variety of Southern accents, all wanting to know why she took the good lords name in vain. Sadly enough: I’m sure these yokels hadn’t heard of her before this media hailstorm.

When the shit did people forget that comedians are in business to shake things up? Have we all forgotten the likes of Lenny Bruce and Andy Kaufman already? Comics find humor in the skewed and absurd. I find it sad that Americans take themselves so seriously and their faith is so incredibly weak that someone like Kathy Griffin could ruffle this many feathers. Then again, this is also the same group which believes on a weekly basis that a simple shot glass of Gallo turns to the very blood of Christ.

Check out Kathy at Mandalay Bay (Las Vegas) October 12th. They booked her doing two shows this time and it should be a great opportunity to see some of the material she’ll use for her upcoming Madison Square Garden show in New York. Congrats to Griffin for already selling out her MSG dates. 15mm will be front and center for this very funny evening.

Anyone else read the extremely guilty-pleasure new Anna Nicole death tell-all by Rita Crosby?

‘Blonde Ambition’ is full of more twists, turns and backdoor deals than an episode of Tranny McGuyver. An incredibly jaw-dropping book that not only puts together the tale of Howard K Stern and Larry Birkhead making financial agreements over Anna’s child and residual royalties, but also details of their steamy sexual history together. Seems that Stern fancied Birkhead’s surfer boy good looks and was repeatedly caught going down on the dim-wit dude. It’s also been reported that Anna had a tape of the two men having sex together. Methinks it’s only a matter of time before the video surfaces on, Birkhead finds himself a domestic partner to raise the kiddo with and Stern only gets richer thanks to now owning the ‘likeness’ rights to the deceased Anna Nicole Smith. This story should be sponsored by Dial soap because it simply can’t get anymore filthy.

Thanks to spending that fateful week in Las Vegas, I now know more about the OJ Simpson armed-robbery case than should be humanly allowed. While some on television are still using the tried-and-true ‘he was setup’ routine, audiotape of the incident proves otherwise. He’s heard screaming expletives, making threats and generally roughing up the people he’s taking the sports memorabilia from. He’s now out on bail, awaiting the trial. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Btw, where did Simpson come up with the money to bail himself out? Rumor had it that he was destitute and unable to pay-off any of the civil judgement ($32 million) to the Goldman family. Seems a judge felt the same way and ordered OJ’s Rolex watch to be confiscated and sold to help pay down the judgement. Hope it’s not a fake.

Seems to me that Karma is a bitch. Poor OJ’s search for the ‘real killers’ on various golf courses around the world just isn’t doing the trick anymore and the general public’s outcry for his blood has reached a deafening roar. Something tells me that he won’t be able to skate out of this one so easily, especially now that his financial flow isn’t quite what it used to be. A little tough to hire another dream-legal-team when you’re relying on an NFL pension handout.

The only guilty-pleasure I derive from all of this circus is seeing the old OJ-crew back in television’s good graces: Kato Kaelin, Marcia Clark, Chris Darden and Mark Furhman have all been constant guests on CNN and FoxNews over the last weeks, all chiming in with their ‘insight’ into the mind of a megalomaniac. I especially have enjoyed Kaelin getting some air time: You just know he’s psyched about that ‘appearance paycheck’ and that he won’t have to trudge back to the blood bank to pay his rent this month. Based on his still-youthful appearance (and incision scarring near his ears... Thanks high-def), it looks as if Kato has spent a good amount of his Post-OJ earnings on boyish preservation. I’m just happy that his latest appearance on Larry King should keep him in over-Botoxed glee well through 2008.

Speaking of Marcia Clark: Did anyone catch her new re-worked face, hair and body at the Las Vegas OJ arraignment? Holy cow. What a difference 13 years (and a lot of surgery) makes. She’s gone with a bleached bobbed do’, obviously done some tinkering with her schnoz and now has a creepily-unlined face for a woman her age. She obviously visited the body shop and got the Linda Tripp-treatment. I really think it’s only a matter of time before Chris Darden comes out as a post-op tranny, complete with Swavorski rhinestone headdress, Noxema Jackson fringe and some hot 6" stilettos. Can you imagine a drag queen with that kind of legal knowledge? TV deals galore.

On second thought, Star Jones already has a show. Nevermind.


I really wish people would stop comparing Fred Thompson to Ronald Regan.

It’s getting real old hearing the right-wing wax poetic and the only thing those two share are booze-hound wives. Frankly, giving credit where it’s due, at least Regan was a politician who actually believed the dream he was peddling. That’s not an endorsement, but a simple state of fact. Ronald Regan cleaned up American morale from the Watergate scandal, as well as saving face over just having had our asses handed to us on a plate by the Vietnamese. Thompson’s greatest asset thus far has been that he’s gotten absolutely NOTHING done in the Senate, taken a trophy child-wife and paid more dues to Actors Equity than to the people who elected him. He’s now running around the country with his horse-and-pony-show, pushing middle America delusion while waxing on about the impending horrors of Al Qaeda attacks, illegal Mexicans and ‘social deviants’ (i.e., gays).

In a world where a few guest starring roles make you a bonafide actor, it looks as if Thompson is a political rockstar. Politics, after all, are simply a white-washed Hollywood for the ugly and talent less. He’s selling escapism. Do we really want another world leader who’s this out-of-touch with reality?

Does all of this anti-Thompson propaganda mean Regan was a saint? Hell no. His ignorance of the early AIDS crisis, Reaganomics and a slew of other indiscretions make him one of the most miserable presidents in our political history. He may be remembered as the great communicator, but long term it was his silence that should be trademark.

I’m smitten right now with the fact that first-generation buyers of the iPhone, once smugly self-satisfied with their shiny new touchscreen, are cursing the name of Steve Jobs due to the recent mass discount of future iParaphanalia. Welcome to the Wal-Martization of the world kids.

Touted as Apple’s next big thing, the iPhone has proved to be nothing more than a run-of-the-mill iPod with a thin sheen of eurotrash lipstick. In reviews, it’s regularly criticized for it’s lack of a reliable push email system, an inability to quickly adapt to the touchscreen messaging interface and Apple’s most puzzling decision to run on sludge-slow AT&T EDGE networks. What was once said to be a possible ‘Blackberry killer’ has now turned out to be a device more useful for the MTV-generation. How (tragically) hip. Thanks to it's blazing over-popularity, I think it’s a real poser device. The MySpace of cell phones.

Granted, this phone is now more of a status symbol than anything. With it soon hitting Europe, it’s no doubt that the worldwide stranglehold of Apple will grow even stronger. I remember when ‘status symbols’ weren’t supposed to be sold in the millions: There’s just something about the ‘exclusivity’ of an iPhone (also owned by one million, and counting, of your closest friends) that’s lost on me. Yet another style over substance situation.

Reading through this month’s Rolling Stone, it looks as if the Bryan Kocis-Cobra Video-Harlow murder scandal is really heating up on a national level. A feature story is written about the happening, the aftermath and how it’s affecting the gay adult industry, zeroing in on Sean Lockhart (ne’ Brent Corrigan) and his alleged involvement with the accused murder.

For quite some time, the gay adult world was hooked on this barebacking boy-wonder, starting online groups in his dedication and lining his pockets with money thanks to his many films and personal business ventures. When caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar (his first bareback films with Cobra Video were done underage), his star power skyrocketed, making him an even hotter commodity with his fanbase. Scandal can often times work to ones advantage and Corrigan kept everyone talking.

In legal battles with Bryan Kocis (owner of Cobra Video) over legal ownership of the Brent Corrigan name, as well his falsification of age, Lockhart went to work for other adult studios, finding mild success. His reputation for being difficult to work with was spreading quickly within the industry and soon directors were openly being quoted as not wanting or willing to work with him. Lockhart soon opened a namesake website, but hackers soon made quick work of his material, forcing him to shut it down.

Now basically blackballed from the video industry, Lockhart works a minimum-wage job and, like any great diva, is plotting his return to the spotlight. Many directors refuse to work with him, either because of his behavior, his alleged role in Bryan Kocis murder or his past bareback videos. While ultimately a sad thing, it looks as if this once-marketable twink-du-jour has simply become another has-been porn casualty.

What’s hot tamales today is cold soup tomorrow folks. No matter what you hear, being IN porn doesn’t do anything but feed a starved ego.

Rumor has it that MTV set-up Britney Spears to take the fall at this year’s VMAs.

Why? How? Well... Britney’s performance lust is simply gone. She’s hanging on through this next album before making a clean break from the business (it also helps that she’s contractually committed to putting it out). It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Spears had the virginal-conviction of a priest at a boy scout Jamboree when opening the awards show with an incredibly off-lip synch of ‘Gimme More.’

What reports aren’t saying is that MTV ployed Spears with liquor backstage, encouraging her (and her entourage) to slam back drinks just before the performance. My source also says they set the Criss Angel breakup in motion by creating diversions to cause Brit to miss the meetings. MTV even went as far as to turn off the stage speaker monitors so that Spears couldn’t properly hear the music mix. This would not only affect her lip-synch, but her dancing as well.

Now, this isn’t to say that Spears isn’t a bowl full of hot mess. Oh, she is. She’s totally over being a pop-star and knows that simple appearances at nightspots can earn her up to $4 million a year alone, keeping her in the lifestyle she’s accustomed to living. Add that to the already $400 million she’s worth and you realize why at 25, she’s thinking of retiring.

Say hello to Eric in New York City...

A quick plug for one SCALDING HOT escort who recently debuted his personal website. Eric of New York City isn’t just hung like a pack mule, he’s got the brains and brawn to match. While his site doesn’t yet feature any facial shots, rest assured that Eric is straight out of the latest Abercrombie & Fitch Quarterly. You can check out his reviews, image galleries and stats for yourself by clicking HERE.

A teaser on the last edition sent readers into a whodunit uproar! I was surprised to get so many inquiries about the compact ‘award-winning’ escort who left his client with more than just a smile on his face: Seems that RID really does what it says on the box, no matter what body part it’s treating. Now, the once-infested fella is on a rampage to let others know of this macho escort’s parasitic problem. Buyer Beware! Make sure to check out your rentboy before going into any unchartered bushwhacking.

If you’re walking around New York City in the next few months, don’t be surprised to see Sarah Jessica Parker and gang filming the silver-screen version of ‘Sex and the City.’ The movie is finally off the ground and it looks like the ladies have all finally come to amicable financial terms. The original cause of the delay involved Kim Cattral wanting equal pay and kickback monies from the massive sale of the DVD series. Producers nixed the idea and Cattral flew the coop. The film stalled ever since, as Sarah Jessica wouldn’t replace her gossipy, greedy gal-pal. My sources say that Cattral is now getting a chunk percentage of future DVD sales, as well as a $5 million bump in pay for coming back to the series that made her slutty ‘Samantha’ character a household name. The movie-version wouldn’t be the same without her, so I say congrats to Cattral for making Sarah-Jessica finally cough it up.

Don’t cry for Parker: If Sarah-Jessica needs a little extra cash injection, she can always continue to make those horrible Garnier hair coloring commercials. You know, the ones where we have to see a continual close up of her quote-unquote ‘beauty mark.’


An exclusive up-close and personal shot of Sarah-Jessica's mole!

Rumors continue to swirl about the alleged romance between Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal. While they would make a darling pair (and thankfully knock Brangelina off their pedestal), my sources tell me that it simply won’t ever happen. Let’s just say that Jake is more likely to give Reese style advice than undress her. For the time being, this alleged romance keeps the tabloids at bay and Gyllenhaal a contender for future leading-man status. Who knows? Maybe Jake can end up like his acting idol, George Clooney, who’s always seen ‘dating’ some unknown Italian ‘model’ as his newest sweetheart. Maybe these two men share more in common already than most people would think.

I had recently taken an extended trip with RSVP cruises... Something I was quite looking forward to, as having already been on an Atlantis cruise, I wanted a flip side opinion on this all-gay competitor. The Westerdaam, a 2,000 passenger Holland America mega-ship, was chartered for the occasion with RSVP providing in-house nightly entertainment. We sailed from Rome, heading along parts of the Italian coastline, wandering into Croatia, Malta and Venice, ending up skirting the Greek islands. It was an ambitious itinerary to say the least and ultimately one that RSVP couldn’t make quite gay-friendly enough. More on that later.

Flew over on Delta (out of ATL) in their new all-coach shuttle configuration. What I thought was going to be a flight-from-hell turned out to be a pretty great experience thanks to Delta not taking the first 10 rows of business-class seating out of the 767. They end up putting all of their top elite (and partner elite) in those seats. I was able to snag one and found falling asleep for the 10 hour flight a breeze. They even gave out amenity kits, printed dinner menus and had a seriously revamped audio/video system (all now on-demand), making the all-coach Delta experience one that rivaled some business classes now flying. Overall, the flight was smooth and the service was excellent. Believe it or not, Delta is back with a vengeance... and some rather fabulous bright red jumpers on the in-flight pursers.

Got in on time, got my luggage, found the bus that schlepped us to the dock and took a little post-flight snooze for the hour it took to the ship. Beautiful scenery of typical Italian countryside, but then again, everything’s pretty when you’re 6,000 miles from home. At that point, thanks to being a little punchy from lack of sleep, I could have had a sweaty, half-naked midget in front of me and it would have been just perfect.

I was welcomed onto the ship by a gay, male ‘Julie McCoy’ with an overly long hug (...should have charged for it). Once I pried him off of me with a luggage tag, I found my room, unpacked my crap and relaxed on the balcony, watching the constant flow of too-tight Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts clod onto the ship.

A overpriced tee from an totally saturated retailer does not make you look 10 years younger, I thought. That’s what Scotch Tape is for.

May I be hit by a hydrogen-powered commuter bus if I ever try to pull off the Abercrombie & Fitch look past 30 years old. Sure, they have absolutely beautiful models and are actually letting black people work in their stores now, but keep in mind that their target-market is 19 to 25. It also doesn’t help that the last time I went into an A&F, I was surrounded by what appeared to be middle schoolers. Man, I felt old.

As I watched the 1200 or so gay men, women and their supporters shuffle onto the ship, I wondered how 11 days in this micro-bubble would affect my sanity. Honestly, my amount of apprehension about it was pretty high. Would this be a stereotypical bar-at-sea or could it be possible that within a large group of gay people, it’s possible to find someone who shares your ideals?

Needless to say, I was about to find out...

(Yep, it’s a cliffhanger-ending. In the meantime, I suggest looking at THIS site)


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